Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted as soon as it came out your mouth? Well I have, and folks nothing feels worse than realizing that you really just said what you just said. Here’s my story. My kids had a dental appointment this Saturday and I was feeling really worn out mentally after what had turned into an unexpectedly long, and hard week. The appointment seemed to be super long and the dental office was crazy busy with people everywhere and lots of noise. Our appointments went well and we were on our way out after only about forty-five minutes. Everything was going really well, but then as I was chatting with the receptionist while we scheduled my next appointment everything went kaboom! Everywhere I go I hear people make all types of comments like, “Wow, you have five children! I could never do that? I would die if I had five children, or Wow, you’ve got your hands full!”
Guys, I hear these comments all the time everywhere I go! I feel like I have matured more now and that I can handle them much better, but this particular time I let myself down. I jokingly told the ladies that yes it was a lot, but I thought it was a good number. I then went on to say that I really wanted another little girl and I got what I wanted. That should have been all I said but I didn’t stop there. I made another comment that I will hold back from the internet, but I essentially said that I did not want to have any more children! Now truthfully it wasn’t like I used profanity or was rude or anything like that, but as soon as I said the words I had an, ” Oh-No feeling!” We finished up and we walked out to our truck and loaded up and went back to school shopping and the whole time, I kept hearing my words playing in my head over and over again and my heart was sinking with guilt.
Why would this make me feel guilty you may wonder, what’s so bad about not wanting to have more children? Well it’s not so much about the words that I said as it is where the words came from. Honestly, I am more than satisfied with my five and I feel like I haven’t mastered being a Mother of five yet, so I am not praying that I get pregnant; however, I would welcome another baby because I believe that the fruit of the womb is the Lords reward. I am so disappointed in myself for responding the way I did and especially in the presence of my children. I never want them to think that I didn’t choose this lifestyle or that I don’t enjoy being their Mom.
It seemed like every place we went yesterday someone was coming up to us to comment on our family or my children’s good behavior, it’s as if God was allowing every person in every store to comment to me about how wonderful my children were.
No matter what I did that day my comments were playing in my head on repeat and I felt terrible. I was trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time controlling my tongue, and watching my words. I have been working so hard at guarding my mouth and closely screening my words before they come out my mouth. Than I heard Holy Spirit whisper to my heavy heart, “keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”(proverbs4:23) I confess to you that I cried a little bit. I realized that I was only trying to conceal my symptoms by watching my words, but I was ignoring the root of the problem…my heart.
I don’t know when it happened or how it happened but at some point I allowed my heart to become vulnerable to this world and the words that I spoke yesterday was a result of the heart issues that I have about having five children or the thought of having more children. It would take me all day to try and tell you how difficult it was for me to deal with the negative opinions and comments from people just six years ago. I didn’t know how to deal with people criticizing me for having children. Every little thing hurt my feelings and drove me to tears. It got to the point where I wouldn’t even tell certain people until I was almost ready to give birth, because I didn’t want to hear their thoughts about my life. I knew that God was pleased with me, I was happily married and taking care of my children joyfully. I really struggled with caring what people thought of me and my husband as well as my children.
The question that haunted me after I heard this scripture was, “When did I change my heart?” I think that perhaps it happen slowly, as I began to make friends with different women, from different backgrounds. I would begin to agree with them that five was a big number, and too much to handle. Maybe it happened as I started to tire of folding laundry or buying in bulk every two weeks, or possibly it was the fact that I wasn’t spending enough time renewing my mind with the Word of God and washing away the images that were being subtly planted in my mind day after day.
I would never blame anyone else for my short comings or failures, but I must say that the people we surround our selves with influence our hearts. The books we read the shows we watch, they all leave an invisible print on our hearts. Even though I had heard this before, I still didn’t realize what was happening to my own heart.
It was slowly happening to me, I was losing sight of how wonderfully blessed I was to have five amazing children. The cares of my everyday life were starting to look like they were multiplied by five and too much for me to manage. However, when I read the Word of God, it tells me that God will never put more on me than I can bare(1Cor.10:13), and it tells me that the fruit of the womb is the Lords reward(psalm127:3). The Word says that He makes the barren woman a joyful mother of children.(psalm113:9) This may sound like a cliché to you but, I know that some one out there would love to have five healthy children and a husband. I hate that I wasn’t being grateful enough, and that I was losing sight of who I am and the woman that I want to be, but now that I know better, I will be doing better.
I won’t just be treating the symptoms anymore, but I will be allowing the God to examine my heart and groom me. I want to be the kind of women who can inspire other women to be the best version of themselves and to be comfortable going against the norms. I want to inspire my daughters to live with purpose and seek to please God’s will.
It was hard for me to share this with you today, but I’m glad I did because we can’t help others if we pretend to have it all together all the time. Having said that what have you been covering up, but not healing? Share it in the comments if you dare!